! written by u/hailandwellmet on 2019-11-27

You look outside. The Hero is swimming. He is buck nude except for his underwear. He comes out of the water and is promptly attacked by a crew of bokoblins. You watch him eat three fairies and an entire bushel of bananas. He somehow kills them all with an old mop and pot lid, walks to the fire, and somehow manages to make a cake in a big stone wok. He eats the whole thing.

The Hero comes to your store, badly wounded. He buys and eats three bundles of cane sugar and you watch his bruises fade, cuts heal over, blood reverse to flow back into his body. He sells you a bunch of giant toenails, bad smelling organs, and old rusty springs, which you for some reason buy. He walks outside and breaks all the pots outside your shop.

You are walking along the path, wishing you had taken out a horse from the stable. You hear galloping from behind you. There he is, the Hero, blonde hair pushed back in the wind, blue eyes as hard and beautiful as sapphires. He brings the horse to a stop and walks over to a tree. What is it? What has he noticed, this mysterious boy, the one who will push back the darkness? He pulls our a bow, golden and intricate, and aims carefully. He shoots a beehive. He then proceeds to run around chased by a swarm of angry bees. When they finally go away, he picks up the fallen honeycomb and draws his sword. Not just any sword. The Master Sword. A weapon your mother told you about when you were little, a story passed down through generations. You stiffen, eyes darting around. What is it? What threat could warrant him bringing out ultimate weapon?

He uses it to chop down trees.