! written by u/deleted on 2014-11-06

So I was patrolling the outside wall of Whiterun like I do everyday. Being a guard is boring but it pays well enough. Get enough gold for some mead and some bread, maybe even enough for some meat if I'm lucky. It's not a bad lifestyle but there are better. I mean more than half of my brother at arms were adventurers but for some strange reason they all took an arrow to the knee. It was odd, I'm not sure if they are lying or if we have a person out there who takes out adventurers by their knees. I have no clue but generally I ignore their ranting about their lives and try to do my job.

So as I was saying, I was patrolling the outer wall when I noticed the Dragonborn running around the wall. Talk about someone who isn't all there. I know she kills dragons and all but all she does is stare and eats things she picks up off the ground. I once saw her kill a vampire and then eat the ashes, like it was fucking porridge. Not even like porridge, she threw it in her mouth dry. Vampire dust. It was one of the weirdest thing I ever saw especially when that kid she adopted came over to her and smiled. The fucking dragonborn smiled back and said hi. I remember one time when Belethor convinced one of the guards to eat some cinnamon. The guy coughed it everywhere. It was just like that except the vampire dust sprayed all over the little girl's face. All over it. It was just horrible.

Talos forgive me, I'm getting off topic again. As I was saying, the dragonborn was running around in circles like well, as was her normal pattern. She was chasing a butterfly of all things. Bouncing around like an idiot chasing a butterfly, it was amusing to watch but then she caught it. It was weird to watch because she started ripping the wings off of this butterfly and started shoving them in her mouth when she stopped, her hand halfway to her mouth. She shoved her hand in her pants and took off. Her armour really didn't have any pockets so I wonder if she had like a weird skin flap she put things in. I mean I watched her pull a battle axe out of her pants once. A battle axe. There is no end to the weirdness of this woman.

So she took off over a hill and I returned to my patrol when I heard loud shouting. It was the dragonborn, running from not one but two giants. She was dodging club strikes left, right, and center and I notched an arrow, if the giants got too close I would have to shoot them. I cursed the dragonborn to Oblivion as she drew the giants closer and started shooting fireballs at them. I swear I am not lying when I say she killed one before turning to the second one and shouting at it. It sounded like FooseRoweDas but I'm not sure. Any way this huge shockwave left her mouth and hit the giant, I thought it was hilarious, shouting at a giant wasn't going to do anything but as this shockwave hit this giant it flew through the air like a child's doll and slammed into the wall. I had to grab the side of it to keep from falling off from the force of the giant slamming against the wall. It looked dazed and then the dragonborn comes running up to it and starts bashing it's face in with her battle hammer. Talos believe me, she killed the giant.

Now that wasn't even the weird part. She started cutting off the giant's big toe before shoving it in her mouth. In her mouth, a dirty giant's toe. Those things don't bathe and I don't think she even cared, she just put it in her mouth anyway.

So she finishes looting the giants and then spots me. She pulls the half chewed toe out of her mouth and waves at me, blood running down her chin. I gave a small, terrified wave back and then she puts the fucking toe back in her mouth before hopping away like an idiot.

I swear to Talos that she is not right in the head. I wonder if she was dropped on her head as an infant. Repeatedly. That would explain a lot of things. Anyway, I'm thinking of transferring to the Imperial army, anything to get me away from that weird woman. I mean there is no way they would let her join the army, right?