! written by u/Legionx37 on 2014-11-15

"Where am I?", I thought to myself as I awoke.

I felt like I'd been asleep for years, my bones creaking and popping as I struggled to my feet. Balancing myself with the help a nearby wall, I slowly rose to a standing position. My eyes didn't want to focus, and my breath was raspy and haggard. Whatever had happened to me must have been serious. I had no memory of where I was, how I got here... or even my name.

I ached all over, like I'd been tossed into a washing machine with a half-ton of bricks and set to power wash. The ragged and shredded state of my clothing didn't disagree with my hypothesis.

The walls around me, including the one I was leaned against, stretched out into a hallway. The wood working and wallpaper looked antique, a theory supported by the occasional gas lantern lamps positioned along the wall.

I began to trudge towards the end of the hall, my gait becoming a bit steadier, but whatever had happened to me had caused a pretty serious limp. Of course, that could have been a pre-existing condition for all I knew. I hoped to find someone or something that could answer my myriad of questions, but there was one thing I knew with certainty; I was hungry.

Not just hungry, but famished. I felt like I hadn't ever eaten, like food was a nearly-forgotten memory from a time long ago.

As if the house itself had heard the grumbling in my guts, I turned the corner at the end of the hall to find a small sitting area, complete with a luxurious, old-world style corner couch, an ornate rug and a silver serving cart filled with what appeared to be a banquet right out of an old still life of a cornucopia. Turkey, grapes, mashed potatoes and gravy, the works. As I leaned in to grab a leg from the golden brown bird, the strangest thing happened; it moved.

I blinked, since my eyes were still a bit clouded, thinking it a trick of the light or something, but no, it was still moving. Jerky, unnatural motions that initially set me at unease.

I tried to rationalize everything. Perhaps I was being filmed for a prank show? Maybe some friends (had I any) were pulling an elaborate joke? Just the thought of being tricked seemed to irritate me immensely. Defiantly, I reached out and took a firm grasp of the turkey, it squirmed and tried to pull away, but I was starving and angry and had decided that I was fed up. I leaned right in and took a massive bite of the meat, letting its juices flow down my chin freely.

And with that one bite, I was in heaven. My stomach sang praises, my tongue danced like life itself. I began to nosh on the strange ambrosia like my life depended on it, with each bite, it slowed its struggles.

In one last fit of movement, the turkey finally broke free of my grasp and fell to the floor. I didn't care. I bent down, eating like a dog, hungry for more, my teeth gnashing like a possessed wood-chipper.

It was then that I heard the door open and close back down the hall a bit. I ignored it for a few seconds, enamored with my meal, until I heard the footsteps coming towards me. I could tell whomever it was was wearing boots by the sounds their footfalls made on the ancient wood floor of the hallway. Soon enough, I felt their presence behind me. I was afraid, but slowly turned my head, still crouched over the turkey, to see who it was.

Imagine my surprise when I saw not a person, but the biggest sandwich I'd ever seen. The surprise increased dramatically when the sandwich turned and fled down the hall, screaming for someone named "Barry".