! written by u/Majestic_Toilet on 2014-12-18

So I'm a zed, right? Just chilling with my mates in some mansion in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. We're all just hanging out then these six SAS assholes show up. Thinking they're here to 'purge' us zeds from this sector, we're pissed and get ready to eat their goddamn faces.

At first glance, these guys didn't look like your typical spec-ops soldiers. One was dressed in a chickensuit (like what the fuck) and another looked like he was from a science fiction movie set in the 1800s. What shocked me the most though is that for some reason, they all came equipped with pistols... and nothing else. The best of the blackops division and they come equipped with 9mm pistols. I'm not complaining, especially since half of them just pulled out knives anyways. What was shocking was how they moved like lightning, bunny hopping all over the place like a bunch of retarded jackrabbits injected with heroin. Shockingly, this strategy worked and I ran my ass outta there so I didn't get eviscerated by the army of knife wielding kangaroo motherfuckers.

So then the Patriarch shows up, and naturally he's pissed at them too and wants to murder the fuck out of them. Here's where things get strange. Apparently, our bodies combust and turn into money when we die, which is magically teleported to whoever killed us(?). I have no clue how that even happened, but not only did our bodies turn into British Pounds, they were then used by some random black chick who peddles guns and gave them to the soldiers.

So now we're side by side with the Patriarch, we rush through a door where we know they're hiding, and the entire first wave gets obliterated with a billion fucking pipe bombs. Literally all of these assholes were demolition experts and they blasted the entire fucking house apart.

I was in the back of the crowd so I didn't get turned to dust, instead, I got scorched. I looked like I had tried to date rape the sun and was blackened from head to toe. As I lay there dying, I see the Patriarch get torn apart by a hail of gunfire and explosions. In my last moments, I saw the soldiers quickly shouting orders.

"Oh shit he's dead!"

"Its the end of the round!"

"Guys, face each other! quick!"

Suddenly they all turned, the guy in the chickensuit facing the woman with the weird bird mask, she faced some random asshole, everyone facing one another. Suddenly, words were branded into my fucking eyes, "YOUR SQUAD SURVIVED" Yeah real fucking nice of you, my squad didn't survive jack fucking shit, they're dead as dicks in multiple pieces. Anyways, those assholes are still facing each other, some of them frozen in the air, unmoving (wut.jpg) and money starts spewing out of them. Literally, glowing green pound notes start flying out of each other, in an endless stream. As my vision slowly goes away for good, all I can hear is their incessant chatter.

"WHO NEEDED MONEY?"

"DOSH!"

"MONEY MONEY MONEY!"

"ITS RAINING MONEY!"

Fuck me.