! written by u/Jordan117 on 2015-07-29

So there I am, enjoying the downtown café rooftop on yet another impossibly beautiful San Fauxcisco day, when the urge strikes me to purchase some sweet compact discs. So naturally I jump up and down waving my arms and scream "TAXI" for eight minutes until a cab finally comes careening out of the sky directly towards me. (It was deceptively good aim, however -- after my evasive dive, I had to wait, sighing, as the taxi slid through three tables and down the stairs before awkwardly backing up to me.)

The cabbie was a sight -- punk music blaring, beer gut hanging out his unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, eyes leering. I told him to take me to Tower Records, barely two kilometers away, and goggled when the meter started at $777. (I guess that explains the vanity plate!)

Despite me allotting him almost a full minute to get me to the opposite side of town, he sure did take his sweet time driving off the rooftop, weaving dangerously through city traffic, rocketing up a drawbridge a hundred feet in the air, cutting through a used car lot, and swerving uphill at 120 mph. He overturned so many cars and blindsided so many buses along the way, I could only stand to grudgingly tip him a few dozen extra bucks.

His showboating wasn't quite enough, though -- towards the end of the trip he caused a ten-car pile-up that stretched and finally broke my generous patience. I would have been happy with 45 seconds -- even 55 would have been acceptable, but 56 seconds to go two measly kilometers? With nothing but gridlocked traffic and open ocean in between? What is this, a horse-drawn carriage? It's like he's trying to scam me. Well, I had had more than enough of this bozo, so I bailed on him as he rounded the final corner. I felt a little bad, but not so much when I checked him out on Yelp and found this was the same jerk who took drove my seven identical step-grandmothers off that series of offshore platforms and into the middle of the ocean. Screw this guy! At least now I get to hang on to that grand-and-change in fare I would have owed -- should be just enough to buy me that new Bad Religion box set he was blaring. I gotta admit, it grows on you!